Ah, fuck it. haha. So I decided in my last post that I would make this blog private so that I can truly reflect on myself and I wouldn't have to be afraid of anybody from the outside reading this, whether they knew me or not. Now I've made another decision - I don't care. It's okay to let people in sometimes. It's okay to share yourself with people. So, to a new beginning.
First, some personal issues that I have been dealing with. Let me back up a little. So in October, I ended a year and a half relationship with my ex-girlfriend that I loved. We had just moved in together into a brand new place and things were going somewhat well. We had plenty of fights, issues, problems, etc. throughout our relationship but I never thought I would end things. She tried a few, actually more than a few, times to end things but we would always get back together. But in October, a month after we had just moved in, things just started hitting me harder and harder and I was fed up with the relationship. I couldn't deal with any of it anymore and I just needed out. So we ended things or rather I ended things. She was not as friendly towards the breakup as I was. She did try to save things and tried for months but I would not budge because my mind was set and even though I tremendously appreciated the effort she was putting in to try and save our relationship it was still a bit too late. Too many issues, too many problems, too many fights. It was just too much for me. So what happened was I stayed on my friends' couch for a couple months as I looked for a place to stay.
While this was going on, I was happy. I was spending time with my friends and I was "dating". I met a few people and we "dated" for a bit but things never really took off. I ended up not wanting anything further than what was going on with them. I am not trying to be conceited but rather just being real with the facts. Unfortunately though, the latest one now has got me hooked. I find myself thinking about her constantly and wanting to text her throughout the entire day. But I restrain myself from doing this. I do not want to come off needy. We have had conversations and what's come from them is that we're just friends that are hanging out. This I understand and can appreciate but then there are times that confuse the hell out of me. Actions that confuse the hell out of me. I think this is what hooks me. The other girls I've been able to figure out and understand right away and I realize that that is not what I want. But this girl, whether it's a game to her or not, just keeps me thinking. I try to be real with her and express how I genuinely feel but it goes nowhere. I am not the type of person that likes to play "games". I appreciate straightforwardness, whether it goes bad or good. Straightforwardness is something I think everyone appreciates and would like from everybody else.
So, I think about this girl a lot. We hang out every once in a while. It used to be more like a few weeks ago but lately it has been less and less and I've noticed the conversations diminishing to shorter and shorter conversations. Maybe I am over analyzing everything because I do tend to analyze things a lot. I pride myself on the fact that I am always able to look at both sides of an argument. But my analytical mind gets me in trouble sometimes. Granted she has her own life, which includes a full-time job and active social life, so I can't expect her to want to hang out with me as much as I may want to hang out with her.
Another thing, I ended a serious relationship and moved into a new place. I did these things because I wanted to "start my life over". I wanted to readjust myself and focus on me more. I wanted to do more things with my friends and by myself. I wanted to figure out me and what I enjoy doing. So why am I stressing out so much over this girl. I do like her. That is a given. But is it possible that I also just miss having someone to come home to? Prior to my most recent relationship I had a two year stint with another girl. This ended and within a couple weeks I was already in this previous relationship. I did not have a lot of "single" time in between relationships. This has seemed to be my consistent behavior for a while now. I always seem to be in some type of relationship. I thoroughly enjoy my "single" time and any other time where I am by myself or with just friends but I do crave having someone that I can be intimate with and who I can share anything with. Someone that I can come home to or who comes home to me. Someone that I can relax on the couch with while my arms wrap around them with their body pressed up against mine. Someone that I cuddle with in bed with our bodies pressed up so tightly against each other that seriously nothing else matters.
Unfortunately, I have felt this with this girl. I've done all of this with this girl and I want more. So this is how I genuinely know I like her but to what extent I am not sure. I know I like her a lot and I can see a relationship with her but am I rushing into these feelings again? Of course. Should I take things slow? Of course. But do I want to take things slow? Absolutely not. This is not my way. I've had a conversation with a friend about our previous relationships. My friend and I are the same in the way that we both rush into relationships. We dive head first into them and then we see what happens. I believe this is the way you have to deal with new relationships. You dive head first and see if you like it or not. This is how you really figure out if things are working or not. (I think I apply this to my work as well. I am always ready and willing to take on new tasks whether they may be above my head or not. I will get to work in a bit - I have issues on this front as well.)
I don't know what to do about this girl. I've made the decision that I'm not going to read into things too much about her and that I'm just going to let things run their course and if something should happens then great. If something doesn't happen, then I'm not going to be disappointed. I need to just enjoy this time and enjoy my life. I just wish I knew now what to think. Where she stood. Where I should be. What our situation is. She just gets me confused when I wish I wasn't. She's gotten into my head.
Moving on to a new topic... On top of everything else, I am just not happy at work anymore. It is just not enjoyable to me anymore. Plus I don't feel like I get the appreciation or respect that I deserve. I know I am appreciated by some people but with some other co-workers it's difficult. I do the best I can at everything I do and I feel like I do a relatively great job. There are just times when I just have this demanding urge to quit and go somewhere else. I don't know if I will ever do this but this urge has been rising within me for a while now. I think I need a dramatic change in my life. Maybe I really need to consider culinary school and consider it now.
Culinary school has been on my mind more intensely lately. The more I cook the more I have to urge to go to school. Like I've mentioned before, when I'm in the kitchen cooking I feel at peace and I feel like this is where I belong. The kitchen is the one place I really feel like myself and the one place where I'm doing something that I truly love. I love cooking. I love feeding people. I love working with food. I love the action, the smells, the textures, the imagination, the endless creativity, just everything about food. I can't get enough of it. Work, on the other hand, is completely opposite. There are days when I can totally tolerate it and enjoy myself here and then there are days when I just need to get out. I can't deal with it anymore either.
The one thing I hate is being ignored. Of all things, that is the one thing that really pisses me off. Tell me if you don't want to talk. Tell me if you're mad at me. Just tell me, don't just ignore me or give me the silent treatment. I hate that the most. Don't send me a text to have me respond and then you don't respond until hours later.
Something else I remember from the book "The Noticer" is that mistakes are sometimes not mistakes at all. When something has gone wrong or when we do something wrong, we sometimes view them as mistakes. But sometimes, they are not mistakes they are choices. A mistake is something you couldn't control. A choice is something you can control. If I choose to have a relationship with somebody and then later I say that that relationship was a mistake, it wasn't. I was a choice. I may not have been a good choice but it was a choice, nonetheless. If you do business with a shady individual when you know they are shady, then that is a choice not a mistake. If we start to literally view our decisions as our choices then I believe we can start being more responsible with our decisions. If you stole a car and was caught, it was not a mistake, it was a choice.
Read "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews. Thanks for listening to my rant.
-Andrew
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for taking the time to comment.